I am still here.  Hard to believe it.

I Started Writing My Book Two Weeks Ago...

Yes, it is in fact strange, but I decided to begin the project that I have considered for several decades now.  I am going to write a book.  Rest assured, it will not be anything creative or epic.  In fact, it will kind of be like a bunch of episodes of "Seinfeld" back to back.  Let me explain...

I have had a lot of different things happen to me in my life.  Some are very positive, some are very dark, and some are just bizarre.  I have a pretty good memory for things, and can recall details relatively accurately, which is very nice.  Growing up in Houston I frequently commented on my great recall of "useless crap".  I might not be sure how to calculate the volume of a sphere, but I do in  fact remember clearly that the name of the surf shop we went to in South Padre Island in 1978 was Island Style, and that the T-Shirt I bought there was orange.  Go figure...

Anyways... Since I do have reasonable decent recall, and I have had a lot of peculiar things happen in my life, it seems somehow fitting that I should write a book about these experiences.  That that in mind, I began work on "Weird Crap That Has Happened to Me".  I am a bit odd for a male in that I am very sensitive and much more emotional than is normal.  Because of this, my feelings run deep, and when things happen in my life, they are very personal and create a strong impression.  I think that this helps provide me with the ability to recount things that have happened in my life in an entertaining manner.  I know it will be a lot of work, and I may not complete the task before the end of my life, but I am going to work on it.

With this in mind, I offer a peek into the rough draft for one of the stories that I plan to include in the project. Recognize that this is far from a finished product, and so take it and my literary talent with a bag of salt...

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

                I was attending BYU my freshman year.  I asked a girl named Andrea out on a date to see a movie the following weekend.  I wasn’t terribly interested in her, but I thought it would be fun.  A few days later I was in my Religion class and the very cute gal that sat next to me asked me if I would be her escort to the Heritage Halls Invitational the following weekend.  I was stunned as she would ask me on a date.  That had never happened to me before.  For an instant I was ecstatic, but then I realized that I already had a date that night.  I thought “Forget Andrea, I’m going to the dance with Lisa…” but then my conscience got the better of me and I had to decline, as I had a prior commitment. I was disappointed, but I felt very proud of myself for doing the right thing and living up to my obligation. 
                The following weekend I went over to the residence hall where Andrea lived.  I waited for her for a while but she never came downstairs.  I called up to her room but there was no answer.  I waited for about an hour and finally left and went back to my dorm.   I spoke to her the next day and she told me that she had forgotten that I had asked her out and did not even apologize for standing me up.

I have a new granddaughter.  Her name is Iris Arlene Clyde.  My daughter Aimee son-in-law Matt are the proud parents.  My daughter Christy and my son-in-law Chuck are expecting a  baby girl in October.  My son Jonathan and his wife Olivia are expecting a baby on December 24.  I go from three so six grandchildren in a matter of a few months...

I am not really sure exactly how to react to the knowledge that I will have 6 grandchildren before I reach the age of 50.  Somehow that just does not seem right, but I am so very blessed to have such a wonderful family.  When our first son Carl passed away in August of 1986, I seriously thought I might never have any children.  Though the loss was the single greatest challenge in my life, the blessing that he and our other four children have been has truly been something beyond measure.

Today is exactly 6 months from Christmas Day.  I sent and message to my wife that I wanted to put up the Christmas tree.  The message received no response... Sigh...

I am back on Facebook after a few months hiatus.  I didn't want to miss out of some of the things that I felt like I was.  There are some things that I would rather not know about though... Alas, you can't have it both ways.

My son graduated from Spanish Fork High School.  I now officially have no dependent children, and according to the agreement my wife and I reached in about 1994, I can officially return home to Houston and  end my banishment from my home.  Alas, I love my children and grandchildren more than my home town, so I remain here in the frozen wilderness where I will one day die and be buried behind the shed in the back yard.

Diet Dr. Pepper.  The beverage of choice for most of the free world.  If it was consumed by everyone, I believe there would be world peace and even boring soccer matches could not ruin it.  No offense to those that like soccer.  I just don't care for it.  Those that complain that there is no action in baseball need to have their head examined when they say they really enjoy the fast-paced action of soccer.  Don't get me wrong, I know lots of people love it, but when I went to a match once I waited in line for a hot dog for about an hour and came back and the score was still 0-0.  I guess I really like the man vs man battle between a pitcher and a hitter.  Hitting a baseball is one of the hardest things to do in sports.  Don't believe me?  Ask Michael Jordan.  He was one of the greatest athletes ever, and he could not hit is weight in the minor leagues.

Speaking of sports, what do you think... is bowling a sport?  What about NASCAR?  Badminton?  Curling?    Seems to me that most of those have much in common with chess, which I do not consider a sport.  Don't get me wrong here... I'm not saying that they are easy, or that there is not competition associated with them.  I just don't really consider any of them a sport... just my spin...

Why "The Red Green Show" Is Awesome

About 17 years ago, I used to watch "Red Dwarf" on KUED every Saturday night at 10:30 PM. It's British Science Fiction/Humor. Great show. A bit tacky sometimes, but still pretty good stuff. One week I happened to turn it on about fifteen minutes before "Red Dwarf" started and I caught the last part of the previous show. This started my love affair with "The Red Green Show" that grew to the point that I actually enjoyed it more than "Red Dwarf".

The show is set at a fictitious city named Possum Lake up in Canada. Near Possum Lake is an old building called Possum Lodge, which is a haven for middle-aged men where they can go to escape from their responsibilities and their failures to be with other men just like them. Red Green is the leader of the lodge, and his nephew Harold Green is the producer/director/guy that always gets picked on in the show. The series ran for 16 years, and was one of the most popular shows on KUED.

There are many fantastic reasons to watch this show. Here are a few of my reasons:

• The show is absolutely hilarious.
• Any show that features duct tape as a prominent part of the show must be good.
• It is absolutely not politically correct, which is refreshing to me.
• The "Midlife" segments of the show give fantastic advice for all middle-aged men.
• The "Possum Lodge Word Game" is always funny.
• The "Handyman Corner" is always creative. Where else can you go to learn how to convert a K-Car into a Zamboni, to build a mobile greenhouse out of a 1976 Ford Granada, or to build a heart/lung machine out of used engine parts?
• The "Men's Prayer" is quite applicable and should be recited every day by all middle-aged men.
• Dougie Franklin is hilarious. I've known some men that their entire life revolved around their vehicle, so I can see him as a very real person. The fact that he is the only American, and pokes fun at Canada sometimes is humorous too.
• The "Ranger Gord Animated Cartoons" are a riot.
• Where else can you watch a show that features such intriguing ideas as building a mall by using the storm sewers to go from store to store, painting the leaves in the forest so that tourists will come visit the lodge, figuring out what to do with 100 tubas that were donated to you, or creating a blimp out of an old school bus?
• Red is married and loves his wife Bernice and is always faithful to her. Kind of refreshing in this day in age, isn't it?
• There are multiple characters that you never actually see on the show that are an integral part of each episode. Old Man Sedgwick, Moose Thompson, Junior Singleton, Stinky Peterson, Buster Hatfield, and Red's wife Bernice are mentioned all the time and in such detail that you really seem to know them, even though they have never been seen. That's impressive.
• Graham Green is absolutely hilarious as Edgar "KB" Montrose, especially the episode where he talks about "Dances with Wolves".
• All of Ranger Gord's exploits at Fire Watchtower 13 are really funny.
• Where else can you go to watch a show that features a small businessman that is proud of his successfully Sewage Sucking Service? The Rothchild Sewage & Sucking Service commercials are a hoot.
• There is a place in the world for just total silliness. That is what The Red Green Show is all about.
• The Possum Lodge motto can be useful... When all else fails, play dead...
• It is amazing how many different uses one person can come up with for a hockey stick.
• Red is old, lazy, a bit overweight, not really bright, and forgets things a lot. It's refreshing, and I'm grateful for that.
• The parts of the show where he gives advice to teenagers in the early seasons of the show are actually very insightful.
• The episodes where Kevin Black was building a cabin up on Blood Point are all really funny.
• Arnie Dogan the roofer/country music singer has some really bizarre appearances.
• Hap Shaughnessy is really funny. Everyone knows at least one person in their life that is a habitual liar. Anyone that claims to have ridden a whale, been a rock star, invented basketball, gone into space, and flown Santa's sleigh has to have some interesting mental issues.
• A show that features an episode about creating a fast food restaurant called "I Can't Believe It's Not Chicken" really should not be missed.
• The "Men's Anonymous" sections are really funny.
• With Harold Green on the show, you always know there is someone to blame for everything.

Here are a few clips if you have never seen an episode. You owe it to yourself to check it out.

Red Green's Midlife Advice:

http://www.ilaugh.com/red_green_show/reds_monologue/reds_pep_talk

http://www.ilaugh.com/red_green_show/reds_monologue/shut_your_mouth

http://www.ilaugh.com/red_green_show/reds_monologue/old_man_look_my_life

http://www.ilaugh.com/red_green_show/reds_monologue/fashion_advice

http://www.ilaugh.com/red_green_show/reds_monologue/male_nication

Handyman Corner:

http://www.ilaugh.com/red_green_show/handymans_corner/old_stove_study_are

http://www.ilaugh.com/red_green_show/handymans_corner/perpetual_motion_machine

http://www.ilaugh.com/red_green_show/handymans_corner/pasta_maker

http://www.ilaugh.com/red_green_show/handymans_corner/ice_cream_maker

http://www.ilaugh.com/red_green_show/handymans_corner/facial_hair_fiasco

Possum Lodge Word Game:

http://www.ilaugh.com/red_green_show/word_game/canister_oxygen

http://www.ilaugh.com/red_green_show/word_game/bucket_o_chicken

http://www.ilaugh.com/red_green_show/word_game/sewage_mogul

http://www.ilaugh.com/red_green_show/word_game/sticky_situation

http://www.ilaugh.com/red_green_show/word_game/crazy_lous_leech_farm

The Best and Worst of Living In Odessa, Texas in the 1970's

I lived in Odessa for about 8 years before we moved to Houston when I was 13 years old. Living in Odessa was a real drag as a boy growing up. Don't get me wrong, it's actually a very good place to live; its just that a boy growing up in the early to mid 70's had little or nothing to do. With that in mind, here are a few thoughts on what is great and not-so great about Odessa:

Best

• These may be the nicest people that our Father in Heaven placed on the earth. You could go to 7-11 to buy a candy bar and talk to the clerk for two hours about anything in the world like they were your best friend.
• Winters were mild with just a little bit of snow once a year or less. When it did snow, the city shut down and all movement stops.
• Wide open spaces. Your view was unobstructed to the horizon in practically every direction.
• The Oil Show was awesome. Everything was free, and there was always cool stuff to do there.
• Boys Club Basketball league was lots of fun, even if we never had a chance to beat Alamo Elementary.
• You don't have to mow the lawn much in the summer. Grass doesn't grow very well when it's 120 degrees outside.
• There was a Texas Burger down by Gibsons.
• There were several Whataburgers in town.
• There was a Dairy Queen down by the Bookmobile, and sometimes if we were good mom would buy us a Dilly Bar.
• There was an airport so it was possible to actually fly to Odessa.
• In the summertime, I would leave the house at 8:00 AM with just a pair of cut-offs on and ride my bike around and hang out with my friends until late at night. My parents did not know where I was, and really weren't worried about it either. That says something about the times, and the place. If I ever got into some kind of trouble, I could ask any adult that I ran into for help and they would offer it. The thought that I might be in danger from an adult was absurd.
• Permian High School Football games at Barrett Stadium.
• Pep Rallies at Nimitz Junior High School.
• Going to Prairie Pete Park and playing on the World War II bomber plane there.
• The most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen.
• The most pleasant evening weather I have ever experienced.
• Terror Theater on Saturday nights. I used to sneak out and watch it every Saturday night after mom & dad were asleep. Scared the crap out of me every week.
• Hawaii Five-O every week. Dad made me go to bed at 8:30 when it was half over, but I used to hide in the closet and crack the door open to watch the last half. Can't leave until McGarritt says "Book Him Dan-O. Murder One..."
• There were alleys behind all the houses in our neighborhood. So much mischief for a kid to get into.

Worst

• Summers were ghastly hot.
• Nothing to do except go look for expended shotgun shells and scavenge for coke bottles to return for deposit so you can get a Slurpee from 7-11.
• The water tasted like dirt.
• The red-neck kids in elementary school and junior high were only capable of uttering the term "Do you want to back that up?" when they did not agree with something you said.
• Moving from Michigan to Texas, I had to fight every kid in 1st Grade. I actually beat them all except for Brad, but I jumped him from the monkey bars a few days later and caught him with his guard down and was victorious.
• There was nothing in any direction for hours.
• El Paso was considered a vacation destination.
• If you didn't play football, you were second-best.
• Cable TV meant that the local channels actually came in clear, and we got the KTVT from Dallas, and the funny station that always played music and showed pictures of kids.
• The minister down the street had a kid my age. He was very unkind to me for many years.
• There were plants called "stickers" that grew in everyone's yard. They got in your socks like velcro and would not let go. If you went outside with no shoes on, you would stay off the grass or experience very real pain.
• I had my tonsils taken out by a Gynecologist in McCamey. He used ether to put me under. I did not receive ice cream when I awoke, I was given asparagus. I have never eaten asparagus since, nor will I ever.

There is much more than this, but these are a few that come to mind. To be honest, I would love to go back and live in Odessa now. Of course, I'm not a kid anymore, despite what my wife says... :)

What a Great Time to Live...

It's an amazing time to live right now. Technology advances at a phenomenal rate. Just in my lifetime I have seen incredible advances. Consider these that have happened since I was born in 1962:

• Color Television
• 8-Track Tapes (Come and Gone)
• VHS and Beta (Come and Gone)
• Touch Tone Telephones
• Cable TV
• Astronauts in Space & then to the Moon
• Video Games (Starting with Pong)
• Diet Drinks
• Pocket Calculators
• Artificial Sweeteners.
• Butter was really good for you, then really bad, and now it's really good for you again.
• The Oat Bran Craze.
• Tie-Died Shirts
• Personal Computers
• Dial-Up Modems & Bulletin Boards
• The Internet
• Leisure Suits
• The 3-Point Line in Basketball
• Gasoline going from .25 a gallon to almost $5 a gallon.
• The scourge that is the "Political Correctness" movement.
• John F. Kennedy was Assassinated.
• Martin Luther King Jr. was Assassinated.
• Robert Kennedy was Assassinated.
• Ronald Reagan was shot but survived.
• Prince made a lot of really bad music (unfortunately nobody shot him :) )
• Clint Eastwood and Charles Bronson were the original tough guys not to mess with.
• Horror movies abandoned suspense in favor of gore and smut.
• Elvis died.
• Michael Jordan rose to the pinnacle of professional sports and slowly disappeared after retirement.
• The Oilers left Houston (I shall never forgive them for this). I stopped watching the NFL after that.
• The Rockets won the NBA Title, twice.
• Braniff Airlines went out of business, twice.
• Pan-Am, Eastern, and Western Airlines went out of business.
• The Priesthood Broadcast of General Conference was no longer an audio feed over the phone line.
• We could actually watch all the sessions of General Conference at the chapel on satelite instead of just one session tape-delayed on Sunday.
• E-Mail
• Blogging